Just for Laughs

[Ceeje]

Here's a joke that I got in an email:



GRANDMA IN COURT

Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer. In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grand-motherly, elderly woman to the stand.

He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't
the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?" She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't
build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney almost died. The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair."

[rachael]

;D ;D ;DVery funny, Ceeje, thanks for sharing. ;D ;D

[starcrossed]

That was great...LOL...I am going to share that one with hubby. Thanks Ceeje.

[Cheza]

...And the burning questions is WHAT DID SHE HAVE ON THE JUDGE! ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

[Ceeje]

Here's another funny via email. This one might make the guys cringe.


Amazing Example of Why You Need to Get a Second Opinion Before ANY Health Procedure

The doctor said, "Bill, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition that causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Bill was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need ... a new suit."

He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long."

Bill laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.

Bill tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.

As Bill admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"

Bill thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."

The salesman eyed Bill and said, "Let's see 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck."

Bill was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years."

Bill tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.

Bill walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"

Bill thought for a moment and said, "Sure."

The salesman said, "Let's see... size 36."

Bill laughed, "Ah ha! I got you; I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old."

The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one heck of a headache."

New suit -- $400

New shirt -- $36

New underwear -- $6

Second Opinion -- PRICELESS

[cfbj01]

LOL

[raeski]

;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Arh, arh, arh.... on both of 'em Ceeje!!

[Cheza]

*Where's the smiley who is laughing until he is crying when you need one!?!?!*

;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

[jillywilly65]

that second one was a doozie!! Wow I didn't see that coming!
excellent
;D ;D ;D
I needed a laugh today , thanks Dear

[.::Luna::.]

OMG! Love them!!!...LOL

[Ceeje]

Here's another one:

Counseling

A husband and wife came for counseling after 15 years of marriage.
When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 15 years they had been married. She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time,
The therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to Stand, embraced and kissed her passionately.

The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The
Therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"

The husband thought for a moment and replied,.. "Well, I can drop her off here on Tuesdays and Thursdays but not on Mondays, Wednesdays or Fridays

............that's when I play golf.

[Ceeje]

One more:

There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a golf club after a round, showering and getting changed for the19th hole. Suddenly a cell phone on one of the benches rings. One of the men picks it up, and the following
conversation ensues:

(M = Man, W=Wife)

M - "Hello?"

W - "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

M - "Yes."

W - "Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are. I just saw a beautiful leather coat. It's absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?"

M - "What's the price?"

W - "Only $1,000."

M - "Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much..."

W - "Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2007 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman, and he gave me a really good price...and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year..."

M - "What price did he quote you?"

W - "Only $60,000..."

M - "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

W - "Great! But before we hang up, something else..."

M - "What?"

W - "It might sound like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and... I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw the house we had looked at last year. It's for sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beach front property."

M - "How much are they asking?"

W - "Only $450,000 - a magnificent price...and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover..."

M - "Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid up to $420,000. OK?"

W - "OK, sweetie...Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!"

M - "Bye...I love you too..."

The man hangs up & closes the phone. The other men are
Looking at him in astonishment and derision. The man raises his
hand while holding the phone and asks "Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

[rachael]

I got this email a while back...

Revenge

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and
suitcases.

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her
things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining
room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted
on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay.

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and stuffed
half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar, into the hollow of all of the
curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the
first few days.

Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything, cleaning, mopping,
and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were
steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were
brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few
days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.

NOTHING worked!

People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the
house. The maid quit. Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and
decided to move.

A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not
find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out, and eventually, even the
local realtors refused to return their calls. Finally, they had to borrow a
huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

The ex-wife called the man, and asked how things were going. He told her
the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely, and said that she
missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce
settlement in exchange for getting the house back.

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on price
that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but on ly if she
were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed, and within the hour his
lawyers delivered the paperwork. A week later the man and his girlfriend
stood smiling as they watched the moving com pany pack everything to take
to their new home, including ... the curtain rods.

[Trees]

Thanks for the belly laugh Isa!!!!

;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

[cfbj01]

Thanks for the laughs!

[Cheza]

;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

Thanks for the laughs ladies!!!

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[dawn]

My Mum sent me this one this morning.........

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle. For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.

However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest while he is on fire.

No further studies are expected.

;D ;D ;D

Thanks mum

[cfbj01]

How true Dawn! LOL

[.::Luna::.]

;D That is why my hubby is at the hardware store for hours when it's that time... ;D

[Trees]

A 45 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.

While on the operating table she had a near death experience.

Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"

God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to
live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have
a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth!

Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"












God replied: "I didn't recognize you."